Stressful Coparenting
By Jinelle Reynolds - For the Love of Children Consulting
In today's society, blended families and coparenting are becoming more and more common within households than in previous years. The amount of stress within households has also been increasing.
Could the increase in blended families be a factor in increasing stress within households? If so, how can we manage that stress and our sanity, while also being a great parent to your children, and a good coparent?
The Effects of Stressful Coparenting
Studies have time and time again shown that those who are experiencing stressful coparenting, including children, may experience short and long-term effects. These effects can include irritability, withdrawal from social communications, depression, short and long-term anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, suicidal thoughts and behaviors, memory lapses, increased heart rate, weight loss or gain, and more.
When we coparent in a stressful situation, we are not only experiencing stress ourselves as parents, but our children are also experiencing the same if not more stress. In coparenting situations, our children are the ones in two households, they not only deal with our stress and the stress within one household, but they also deal with their own stress, their other parent's stress and any stress they may be experiencing in their other parent's household.
When we think of coparenting, we may often only think of two separate households. However, coparenting is simply parenting with another parent. We may coparent with our children's grandparents, or stepparents. If we are married, we coparent with our spouse with nearly every decision. However, what if the cause of the conflict is because each parent's parenting style is different, and their values aren't the same? What if this is what is causing our stress? Or what if you just do NOT get along, and don't see it working out at all?
Parenting Styles & Their Effects On Children
In many parenting situations, you have two parents who parent differently. This includes whether the parents are living together, living separately, married or separated. Each parenting style can have an added benefit to the children. Authoritative parenting styles can add self-discipline and responsibility. More lax parenting styles make sure children, as adults, have structure but also leave some room to relax and take things with ease.
Of course, when parenting styles conflict, it is how each parent handles the situation that factors into how stress affects the family. Children look up to their parents in times of need, including when they are experiencing stressful situations. When we coparent and cause conflict due to disagreements in parenting styles, we can unintentionally cause more harm than good. Not only, does our coparent feel it is a personal attack, but our children may wonder why you think their parent doesn't parent well. Which may then lead to trust issues and anger within both of these relationships.
When children are parented with two different parenting styles they can gain the benefits of each, which in turn can help them in their future careers, relationships and even within their own parenting. Children with these experiences are more open to different perspectives and are more likely to see more sides of a situation. Occasionally, with different parenting styles, they can balance each other out so well, they cancel out the potential negative effects of the other parenting style. However, this may not always be the case.
How to Combat The Negative Effects of Coparenting
To attempt to combat the negative effects of coparenting, stress and different parenting styles, you must ensure you limit stressful coparenting. Allow your child's other parent to parent them in their own way in their home, as long as it is not damaging to the children. When children have difficulties within households and don't agree with a parent's parenting style, you can use these situations as a way to provide support, and encouragement for them to speak up for themselves, their feelings and beliefs. This, in turn, adds experience for future situations where they may need to voice their thoughts.
When we constantly argue with a coparent, this adds stress not only for parents but for children as well. Children experience the stressful situations of coparents arguments first and secondhand, they may hear the offhanded comments of each parent, they may get angry hearing these types of things about their parent, they may wish circumstances were different, and they may even blame themselves for the added stress. After all, the stress is due to them and their circumstances, and they are the reason there are arguments and conflicts.
It is important to reassure children that they are not the cause of the conflict, without blaming the other parent for the conflict. To do this, you can remind your children that not everyone agrees and not everyone gets along and that is okay, it is a difference in opinion. Not getting along and having disagreements does not mean they are not cared for, it just means each parent is caring in their own way. The added benefit of this is children again, are able to see different perspectives. They are able to understand that at times, people express their stress and frustrations differently, even though they may have the same goal.
It is also important to change the stressful situation. If you provide a safe and secure space but do not minimize the stress within the home, the area may not feel safe and secure emotionally. To minimize stress in coparenting, we want to make sure we minimize our communication with our coparent. Oftentimes, minimizing the communication allows parents and children to focus on their own time with their children, and allows for more quality time within the home.
This may mean you need to sort out what is important to share with your coparent and what is not important. You may want to share doctor, dentist, and other medical appointments and information, and school information. However, you don't need to share information not relating to the children when it can cause conflict unless your court order requires it. This information may include specifics of what you will be doing or exact locations of where you will be visiting.
Setting boundaries and only responding when necessary can also minimize stress significantly. Remember, you cannot control the other parent or their actions. However, you can control your actions and how you communicate towards your coparent. Being aware of this information is the first step towards a less stressful coparenting relationship.
Minimizing conflict and stress does not need to be difficult. However, it will take time. There is no one-step process, but rather there are multiple steps that need to be taken over time. You must be aware of what you say and how you react. Although you are coparenting, you still maintain control of your life and your actions and keep in mind your actions and words reflect on you. Although, you may have the best intentions, exhibiting that control may be the best way to navigate the situation at hand.
In times of conflict, keep in mind all parents have conflict. It is how each parent handles the conflict that shows up within the family setting that is the most important. If your family is dealing with stress, make sure you have support systems, and ensure those support systems encourage your positive parenting and do not promote conflict. Ensure that you provide a safe and secure area for yourself, children and your family. By doing so you open up communication, create boundaries for yourself, your children and your family and teach your children to practice self-control.
In Conclusion
May is Mental Health Awareness Month. If you, your family or your children are experiencing significant amounts of stress, please reach out to a support system. Find a friend, a neighbor, a support group in your area, online, or even someone at your child's school to talk to. Coparenting, parenting and general life difficulties can be stressful. However, you can find a way to manage this and always remember you are not alone.
Meet The Author
Jinelle Reynolds is the owner of For the Love of Children Consulting. For the Love of Children Consulting strives to provide support for all families within our community. We offer free 2-hour consultations for those experiencing domestic and family violence, as well as for Headstart parents. We also offer payment plans for those who may need monthly payments. Additionally, we offer free resources and information regularly on our Facebook and Instagram pages, be sure to follow to keep up to date on information and coparenting events near you.
Contact Info:
Website: https://www.fortheloveofchildrenconsulting.com/
Facebook: https://facebook.com/fortheloveofchildrenconsulting
Instagram: https://instagram.com/fortheloveofchildrenconsulting
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